Uncomfortably Numb

The 'problem' with travelling so often is that it soon grows on you. It grows on you so much that the thought of a desk job, or getting stuck in a single location is enough to start a headache and send your head spinning. The 'problem' with travelling particularly to mountains is that they keep calling you back.By 'call' I mean the voice of a canary, the voice of a girl with the most beautiful face whom you wished a coffee with, an authoritative coach, the voice of your friend you hear after you have downed 4 ales, that whatever be the conversation he cannot be wrong at that time (even if he had banged your girlfriend in the past). In short... persuasive (should have saved you the trouble in the beginning). The idea of living out of a back pack, waking up to the chirping of birds, the cool mountain breeze on your face and the roaring of the wild river in the background is exhilarating. The fact that not a month back I had the perfect days of my life, only makes the sting more potent. I mean, it is not everyday that a southie like me gets a chance to wake up in the Himalayan valley and take a dump on the river side with the ice cold mountain wind blow right up your arse (you get the picture). But that's not what makes it exhilarating (although the thought is scary 'coz shitting was not easy back then). Imagine waking up in a tent with the only constant clue of civilization being the car you travel in and the curt smile of your host standing with a cup of tea, welcoming you to the beginning of the new day.

Himalayas... If you listen carefully, the mountain winds will tell you stories of the old. Stories of courage and sacrifice and hardships and love. The flowing river... the only life line for the people living there. For us as well, in those days. Nature shows you, who you really are. How insignificant you are in this whole design. One higher wind gradient could have triggered a landslide, a little higher temperature could have melted the glacial rivers and flooded the roads earlier than expected. Every moment of our life... nature's charity. She was at her arrogant best. I was nothing. I am nothing. The moment you realize this, you realize there is a lot of room for improvement. Improvement in the way you live your life, the way you treat others. Experiences are there to be seen and lessons there to be learned in every breath you take in the company of nature. You start valuing life. That's when you realize you need a reason to do, whatever it is that you wish to do. Money though a necessity seems insignificant enough, to search for another reason to continue doing the work we do.

 I was happy back then. I felt secure in the remotest part of my country, despite the fact that, that week Andhra Pradesh was burning due to Telangana, Delhi was on high alert due to terror threats and I looked nothing short of a terrorist with my long beard and locks. In fact, I felt nothing could go wrong as long as I was on the road. Half broke, fighting for every breath I took, trying hard to stay awake due to fatigue, yet... nothing could go wrong... nothing did. It was perfect. Perfection that I cannot draw any parallels with. That sense of complete happiness which has come so often in my yesteryears but seldom come nowadays, not more than a teaser even if they do. I am blank now. A kind of numbness. Incompetence to think intelligently. Like the pool of thought is draining slowly away from my mind. Nothing that I am doing right now makes sense. Waking up, dressing up in 'business formals', clocking hours of doing nothing in office. I am not sure if it is because of the emptiness that filled me after the trip. I would like to think not. It is deeper than that. I do understand that absolute happiness for the entire lifetime is a myth. But whenever things get out of hand I know the mountains and the rivers and the forests will be there to cool my mind and guide me to peace.

But inner peace...that is something that I would have to find myself.

The Trip That Was-Part 1

Probably it is too late to write about something that happened a year ago. But that is what memories are for. To be recollected down the lane, to make us smile when we are sad, to give us inspiration when we need the most and most important, to make us feel good about ourselves.

As I sat chatting with my friend about the year that passed, my mind was carried away to that scorching summer of '10, when three guys packed their bags and left the comfort of their homes, to witness one of the largest human gatherings that has ever happened in the past, nor might never happen in the future. Nothing did they have other than tickets to reach their rendezvous point and the tickets back home from the rendezvous point. For a brief period of time, they were joined by another rogue, who risked his neck, by travelling ticketless overnight because of another rogue in the pack, who had booked tickets for him, but it was for the wrong day. The latter was me :)

This post is not about taking the reader through a detail of the trip as it would be impossible and absolutely humiliating to my ego. This is about a few re-affirmations made during the duration and also a realization that human limits is where we define them to be.

Seldom do we feel that nothing can go wrong, everything is perfect and "I have the whole world at my feet". Seldom do we have a spring in our step and seldom are we not burdened by the umpteen thoughts that keep running in our mind like express trains and we standing right in front of it. How ironic when you realize that the cities were alien, notorious for fraudsters, the cash factor was thin and we had not a familiar soul around us. Ironic also because all the 'rogues', including the 'part-time' one, had their lives pretty screwed up at that time, either in the personal front,professional front, or... it was just screwed.

In the end, it was 10 days of pure ecstasy, a test of endurance, a fight against the harsh forces of nature and a fight against the inner urge to succumb to the comfort loving 'civilized' 'city'zens whom we had left behind along with the shiny shoes and ties and computers. Did I find my true self during those days? I definitely hope not...because no matter how much kick ass those days were, I love my parents. But, God I wish to have another of those kick ass holidays!!!